I'ma keep running

In my last post I mentioned that my body was responding to the injectables. It was a long 20+ days but things were moving in the right direction. Well, after the positive response, the follicles on the ovaries are stimulated and there are [approximately] 4 million additional hoops that need to be jumped through in order to get pregnant. 

Our first IUI did not work. The silver lining is this; we responded and arrived at the point where we could give it a shot!

The news was hard to hear. PJ brought home pizza, we drank good wine and cuddled with our girl; the best cure for a positively shitty day.

Just about the time where we came to accept our failure and were ready to move on, we find out that our next cycle is cancelled. Cancelled. Cancelled due to cysts on my ovaries. I'm telling you, infertility is not for the faint of heart.

This turn of events is not ideal but there is nothing we can do [have to keep telling myself that] so we keep our heads up and keep on keeping on. Keep our heads up and obviously take advice from Beyonce. 

Switching gears. Tyler's Married!

WOAH.

My little brother is hitched and we had a great time celebrating. I laughed, cried and was so proud of him. 

rehearsal dinner

sibs

best of the best

shots fired

Throughout this infertility journey there are good days and bad. There are days I feel like I can take on the world with a smile on face. There are days that I want to burst into tears at the sight of a pregnant belly. In the middle of a cycle, when I'm filled with hope, there are significantly more good days than bad. 

The 16th cycle is (so far) bringing the most hope - which in turn brings more good days. Win, win.

Why? 

Good question. 

In this blog post I talked about the possibility of moving toward the slow protocol or gonadotropins (who comes up with these names?). Well, that's what we're doing. Every night for the last 3 weeks I get a shot. It's not painful and it has become part of our routine. 

Surprisingly my insanely stubborn body is responding and I am left attempting to maintain a positive attitude. So that is what we'll do. 

RANDOMS:

1

I have talked about the lack of bedside manner at reproductive endocrinologist clinics in the past - it is typically bad. This week I experienced the most kindness and support at an REs office.. ever. I was so taken back and feel like I've found the diamond in the rough (corny!).

2

We just started watching The Night Of. Obviously by watching, I mean binging. It is really, really good (with the exception of John's eczema - ewh)

3

These words

memory lane

When I look back over my life there are moments and even whole days where every detail is so vivid. It is like the universe implanted the memory so deeply and clearly, there is no way I could forget. I remember exactly what I was wearing, exactly how I felt and exactly the way that day or moment impacted my life.

A few of these moments are: The day we first visited the Humane Society of pick out Charlie. The day Parker was born. The day we moved into our house. And undoubtadly the most important; June 29, 2006.

June 29, 2006.

It was a typical summer day - I slept in and worked at the country club. It's all pretty mundane until I did something so typically Amanda it hurts; locked my keys in my car. I remember panicking because Phil and I had our first date and I didn't want to be late! Fortunately a locksmith wasn't far and was on my way. 

By the time I got home I was freaking out because I had no clue what I was going to wear. Kaylee came over and helped me pick out a super original outfit; jeans and a white T. 

When Phil picked me up he came to the front door to get me and opened all my doors. I remember thinking that this is how a girl should be treated. We had a super glamorous meal at Champps. I remember where we sat and what we ate. I remember the complete lack of awkwardness.

At the end of the night we hugged (ass out :)). 10 years later; here we are with a pretty spectacular life together. 

Cheers to my main man. It's been an amazing 10 years, here's to 100 more. 

happy moments = happy life

I am starting this post in my freshly cleaned house with beautiful peonies staring at me (thanks, tyler), a cold glass of proseco and the smell of fresh cut grass wafting through the windows (thanks, phil). Life is pretty good - isn't it? 

I had an awesome reminder this week via a friend of a friend to be present (hey kaylz). It is not a new concept or not even on that I don't tell myself time after time, but sometimes even the best practices need a little nudge to the front of my brain. 

I sent her my thanks because it was a reminder that I desperately needed.

Along the same lines of presence, I am reminded of this quote that I stole from an instagrammer that I follow:

Maybe we're all wasting our lives waiting for something. A big promotion, summertime, the weekend, a baby. The constant waiting and lack of satisfaction can be seriously exhausting - believe me. 

I am going to set a reminder on my phone with a link to this blog post every so-often because it is far too easy to fall down the rabbit hole. The waiting/wishing/wanting rabbit hole. There are happy moments every single day that are worth celebrating. By celebrating the happy moments, we achieve the happy life. 

That said, I am off to throw some brats on the grill, drink some bubbles and enjoy.

one back, one forward, one back, back, back

The other day in one of my many tearful calls to my husband after a doctor's appointment I said, 'who needs valleyfair when you have the rollercoaster that is our fertility'. It's up and it's way, way down - and I never ever know what's going to happen when I walk into that clinic. 

This cycle started on Femara and an increased dosage from last cycle's try. 

• Appointment 1: Doc didn't seeing any follicle growth and was visibly disappointed with the progress.
• Appointment 2: There was a little something there, enough that we could schedule another ultrasound (and get my hopes up).
• Appointment 3: A little follicle growth from appt 2. We decided to give it 5 days, ultrasound again and see where we were at.
• Appointment 4: Growth had halted. Cancelled cycle. See you next 'month' (I use month in quotes because for normal women, cycles are a month. For me; they could be years).

What a kick in the gut!

When the nurse called to give me the news she stuck to the party line in the infertility world ... "your best bet here is to try IVF". 

Gee, thanks. Call and give me terrible news and throw that at me... in a voicemail. 

What now?

Since there is not a response to the medicine that we're currently using we will have to jump up to injectables or gonadotropins. 

And, because it's better to laugh then cry - here is some infertility humor. Enjoy.

mother's day

I love my mom, all my grandmas, my mother-in-law, my godmother and all the mothers in my life. I look up to and admire my friends that are mothers. I am thankful for all of them and all the women in my life. But, this day is so. hard.

Amid the celebrations of all things maternal, I'm forced to have skin so much thicker than I ever imagined I would (i am kind of a wimp). Scrolling through Instagram is like punch after punch in the gut. The day is a reminder of something that comes so easy to others and is (seemingly) impossible for us. 

To add a little more sting to this day, if our last medicated cycle had gone as planned, we would have tested today - positive or negative - wouldn't that have been a great way to celebrate the day? A positive! Now, don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that my doctors don't move ahead with procedures unless the circumstances are just right on, but, still. 

All this 'woe is me' is not my style. I want to honor all moms:

moms with little ones,

those who have lost their moms,

those who long to be mothers,

soon-to-be moms

and those who are mothers despite the absence of children (aka dogs moms :)). 

Cheers to the moms out there. All moms. Moms in every shape and form. Have a glass of wine, kick up your feet, this day's for you and you've earned it.

Resolution

As I write this I have a basket full of laundry at the foot of my bed that needs to be put away, a slew of prescriptions that need to be picked up and a mask on my face that needs to be washed off - all needing a resolution. All of these things give me a little bit of a twitch and a feeling of anxiousness knowing that there are things that I need to accomplish. 

Going wayyy back to my days in grade school there is a clear way write a story; conflict, climax and resolution. You have to present the problem that the characters must contend with, work the problem up to the peak and then offer a fitting conclusion (resolution). 

All those years and the teachers were giving us a life lesson (and a way to write a halfway decent story). That said, it is hard when you're in 4th grade to think of the conflict as anything other than you're mom and dad won't let you get the latest Hanson CD or have a sleepover with your best friends. Yes, I'm sure I cried and the parents caved and bought the CD for me on our way to my friend's house - but that's beside the point. 

Is life one big story or are their mini stories? I am in the climax stage of me washing this mask off my face and in the conflict stage of putting the laundry away (phil will do it!). In the grand scheme we're smack dab in the middle of the climax and the resolution; our problem is being worked up and up and up and we're (patiently) waiting for the resolution -- that one thing that we all crave. 

I think that is all the ramblings that I have for now. Now, I'm going to wash this mask off my face and cuddle with my puppy and that is all the resolution that I need for today.

How about an Update?

As mentioned in a previous blog post (here), Phil and I are back in the game. What have we been up to since then? Here are the numbers:

1 consult appointment

7 blood draws

1 hysterosalpingogram (hsg)

6 filled prescriptions

5 pills per day

After all that, we're ready to really start. I'm giddly like a school girl today because yet another obstacle has been cleared. 

On our nightly walk last night I told Phil that I don't like surprises; I'd rather have everything spoiled. This applies to The Bachelor, movies, TV shows and most importantly - our future. 

Spoiler (n): the element of a disseminated summary or description of any piece of information that reveals any plot elements which threaten to give away important details concerning the turn of events in a dramatic episode.

The good news is, our future has already been spoiled (in my eyes): we are going to have a baby; be a family; live happily ever after. Now that is cleared up, we just need to get there. Slowly, but surely.

Things Could Always Be Worse

Sometimes a day is just a day. The pits. A no good, very bad day. Days when it seems like it would be a good idea to climb back in bed than to continue with my adult-y duties. These days happen - to everybody.

Today I had the opportunity to volunteer with several of my colleagues at Feed My Starving Children. This is a great foundation that purchases, packs and ships meals to third world countries - and feeds children (hence the name). Today we packed 46 boxes of food - 36 bags of food per box - 6 meals per bag. Do the math (because I can't). I was a part of feeding these children, and to be honest, had a great time doing it. It didn't hurt that we had a couple of adult beverages afterwards to celebrate our philanthropy. 

Doing things like this, volunteering, really put life in perspective.

So, back my point that there are just days sometimes. Yes, I have days. Days that I want to crawl back in bed, but life could be worse. Doesn't it make sense to find the silver lining? To look for the positive? To smile even though something is tearing up your insides? 

Yes, it does.

There are children who are hungry. Families who are struggling. People are going through things far worse than I. So, I vow to keep my chin up and hear the birds chirping because life is pretty darn good, isn't it?

back on the horse...

What a whirlwind the last 4 months have been. After the aforementioned move and the holidays, we've finally been able to take a deep breath. While enjoying our new home, we decided that one thing was still missing... a baby. There are countless posts on my blog about us trying, experiencing loss and taking (massive) breaks. 

We've been on a 'break' since the end of 2014, but now feels like the right time. If you ask anyone when the 'right' time to have a baby is - they will say never. There's never a right time. 

But this feels like the most right time ever (for us).

Obviously giving it the good ol' college try didn't work so we started at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. 

My new RE had to have the following attributions:

1 - don't tell me that IVF is the only way that I will be a mom.

2 - please, act like I'm a person.

3 - understand me and my past and how it shapes me and my decisions now.

Our new place succeeded and met all of my demands (without me making them, of course). 

We did the meet & great, talked about the past, talked about the future. It felt great. They wanted to re-test EVERYTHING - 8 vials of blood later we know the following:

- my prolactin is elevated (we knew that already)

- my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is elevated (we did NOT know that)

What now:

- medications to regulate my TSH, then back for bloodwork

- then ultrasounds, meds, syringes -- the whole kit & caboodle. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being a support to my dude & I. Just, Thanks. 

6 months?

Woah.

It's been 6 months since my last blog post and A LOT has happened. 

AUGUST - 

we took a little trip CO with good friends and experienced all that the mountains have to offer.

unedited. unfiltered. 

OCTOBER - 

WE MOVED INTO OUR NEW HOME! 

We started the house search early in the summer and after a lot of duds we found our home, fell in love, made an offer and the rest is history.

wellll, maybe it wasn't quite that easy!

Moving day was difficult and super challenging but as Phil and I kept reminding each other - "we're on the same team". 

It wasn't long before this place started to feel like home. 

DECEMBER - 

My favorite month of the year; no question. Phil took me to LA. I turned 30. Hosted our first big holiday. It was great, magical and every other corny word that I can use. 

cruising on the PCH on my bday

santa monic pier ferris wheel

santa monica pier

toys for tots donation

the crew

typical

best of the best

carving the bird

Cheers, here's the new year & to blogging more.