memory lane

When I look back over my life there are moments and even whole days where every detail is so vivid. It is like the universe implanted the memory so deeply and clearly, there is no way I could forget. I remember exactly what I was wearing, exactly how I felt and exactly the way that day or moment impacted my life.

A few of these moments are: The day we first visited the Humane Society of pick out Charlie. The day Parker was born. The day we moved into our house. And undoubtadly the most important; June 29, 2006.

June 29, 2006.

It was a typical summer day - I slept in and worked at the country club. It's all pretty mundane until I did something so typically Amanda it hurts; locked my keys in my car. I remember panicking because Phil and I had our first date and I didn't want to be late! Fortunately a locksmith wasn't far and was on my way. 

By the time I got home I was freaking out because I had no clue what I was going to wear. Kaylee came over and helped me pick out a super original outfit; jeans and a white T. 

When Phil picked me up he came to the front door to get me and opened all my doors. I remember thinking that this is how a girl should be treated. We had a super glamorous meal at Champps. I remember where we sat and what we ate. I remember the complete lack of awkwardness.

At the end of the night we hugged (ass out :)). 10 years later; here we are with a pretty spectacular life together. 

Cheers to my main man. It's been an amazing 10 years, here's to 100 more. 

happy moments = happy life

I am starting this post in my freshly cleaned house with beautiful peonies staring at me (thanks, tyler), a cold glass of proseco and the smell of fresh cut grass wafting through the windows (thanks, phil). Life is pretty good - isn't it? 

I had an awesome reminder this week via a friend of a friend to be present (hey kaylz). It is not a new concept or not even on that I don't tell myself time after time, but sometimes even the best practices need a little nudge to the front of my brain. 

I sent her my thanks because it was a reminder that I desperately needed.

Along the same lines of presence, I am reminded of this quote that I stole from an instagrammer that I follow:

Maybe we're all wasting our lives waiting for something. A big promotion, summertime, the weekend, a baby. The constant waiting and lack of satisfaction can be seriously exhausting - believe me. 

I am going to set a reminder on my phone with a link to this blog post every so-often because it is far too easy to fall down the rabbit hole. The waiting/wishing/wanting rabbit hole. There are happy moments every single day that are worth celebrating. By celebrating the happy moments, we achieve the happy life. 

That said, I am off to throw some brats on the grill, drink some bubbles and enjoy.

one back, one forward, one back, back, back

The other day in one of my many tearful calls to my husband after a doctor's appointment I said, 'who needs valleyfair when you have the rollercoaster that is our fertility'. It's up and it's way, way down - and I never ever know what's going to happen when I walk into that clinic. 

This cycle started on Femara and an increased dosage from last cycle's try. 

• Appointment 1: Doc didn't seeing any follicle growth and was visibly disappointed with the progress.
• Appointment 2: There was a little something there, enough that we could schedule another ultrasound (and get my hopes up).
• Appointment 3: A little follicle growth from appt 2. We decided to give it 5 days, ultrasound again and see where we were at.
• Appointment 4: Growth had halted. Cancelled cycle. See you next 'month' (I use month in quotes because for normal women, cycles are a month. For me; they could be years).

What a kick in the gut!

When the nurse called to give me the news she stuck to the party line in the infertility world ... "your best bet here is to try IVF". 

Gee, thanks. Call and give me terrible news and throw that at me... in a voicemail. 

What now?

Since there is not a response to the medicine that we're currently using we will have to jump up to injectables or gonadotropins. 

And, because it's better to laugh then cry - here is some infertility humor. Enjoy.