Holy S*#t!

To be completely blunt, these past 5 years have sucked. Every single pregnancy announcement, every crying baby, every rejection, every needle, and every setback. The universe has tested me. Despite these years being the hardest of my life -- they've been the best. These years have made my marriage incredibly strong. They've made me incredibly strong. They've made me appreciative. They made me a(dog)mom. 

These years have been everything. 

These years have lead me to where I am today...

15 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby.

I am so overwhelmed with emotion even typing those words. 15. weeks. pregnant. healthy. baby.

How did we get here?

Our frozen embryo transfer (FET) took place in early August. And like our first cycle, everything went "perfect". Only this time I didn't follow the rules and started taking home pregnancy tests (HPTs) 5 days after the transfer. 

Positive, positive, positive. They were all positive. 

I tested everyday, multiple times per day. We should have bought stock in those tests. We'd be rich!

Then came the blood draw. The real test since the HPTs can be unreliable (the reason phil and my clinic told me to stay away).

You know the old adage "a watched pot never boils"? Maybe we would update it for the 21st century to be "a watched cell phone never rings". I watched and waited and at long last.. I missed the call.

Beta 1 = 649

The first beta is a good indication of how everything is going, but it needs to double in 48 hours or there could be cause for concern. 

Fertility treatments are one big waiting game. Waiting for calls. Waiting for results. Waiting for news - both good & bad. And waiting 2 measly days between beta blood tests. 

While I was still taking HPTs and they were still positive, there's no better indication that it worked than these darn blood tests.

Beta 2 = 2724

Holy S*#t! We were pregnant. 

But then we waited again. And this time longer than the 2 measly days between beta blood tests. Two whole weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks + anxiety. Anxiety is that evil bitch who rears her ugly head in the times when you need to keep her buried away. 

The morning of our first ultrasound finally came. Finally. And it should come as no surprise that I was a ball of emotions. While we waited for the tech, I made Phil tell me about his walk with Charlie that morning to keep the tears at bay. He told me the story to keep my mind off the baby and all I thought about was the baby. 

"There's the baby. There's the heartbeat" 

These 6 words might have had more impact on my life than any others. 

After another 2 weeks and another emotion filled ultrasound, we finally graduated from the reproductive endocrinologist. Sorry PLHS grads, this graduation day was far, far sweeter.

And, maybe best of all. Our first child is getting a sibling. 

So, that's it. Life is now filled with new anxieties and emotions but they're so, so welcome and we couldn't be more excited. Thanks for reading. Thanks for tagging along with us. Just, Thanks.

Hey, Remember me?

Hey, Remember me?

It's been a minute.

This post was either going to be 'yay! we're pregnant' or 'shoot, it didn't work - what's next?'. Unfortunately, it's the latter.

what happened?

I signed off in the midst of our cycle. Everything went literally perfect (I hate when people use literally when something didn't literally happen - but I assure that it's an appropriate use of the word).

egg retrieval - 17(!!) eggs retrieved

fertilization - 9(!!) eggs fertilized normally

8 of the 9 fertilized made it to the blastocyst stage. 

blastocyst - an embryo that has developed for five to seven days after fertilization and has two distinct cell types and a central cavity filled with fluid. The cells in a blastocyst have started to differentiate and the surface cells around the cavity are called the trophectoderm and will later develop into the placenta. The inner cell mass becomes the fetus.

EIGHT. 

It's almost unheard of. Above average. Excellent!

We transferred one perfect embryo. Per everything else, the transfer was flawless. To make the procedure more comfortable, my RE prescribes Valium. I've never had Valium and didn't quite know what to expect. Phil was thoroughly entertained because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was slurring my words, stumbling and requested the drunk girl favorite; taco bell.  

Then we waited. 

The 9 days in between the embryo transfer and blood draw/beta seemed like an eternity and somehow I had enough willpower to not use any home pregnancy tests. 

I had grand plans to let the call with results go to voicemail and listen with Phil when we were together. That plan went completely out the window when my phone rang. I answered and frantically paced around our house while the nurse gave me the news... 

Beta #1 29.3. Low. Too low.
The preferred minimum number at our clinic is 30. So, we were so close.. pregnant!.. but low - so many emotions. I kept (incessantly) telling myself in the days between Beta 1 and 2 that what would be would be.

Beta #2 34.
The level didn't double as it should and it was confirmed that this was a Chemical Pregnancy (fancy phrase for miscarriage)

Naturally, we took the news hard and I had a good cry (or four), but hung our hats on the fact that we have 7 beautiful frozen embryos. We're incredibly lucky that even though this first cycle didn't result in a viable pregnancy, it set us up for success in the future.

what's next?

Frozen Embryo Transfer!
It's a very similar process to the full IVF but sans egg retrieval.


sign on / sign off.

I'm signing off.. again. We'll be keeping things low key and super positive. Cross anything you can for us; fingers, eyes, toes.. everything.


Cheers,
AM

Recovery & Reevaluation

It's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and it's the perfect time to reflect on our infertility journey and reevaluate our approach & strategy and think about what's next. We have plans to resume treatment in 2017 but, as we have discovered in the past, taking time to recover from treatment is necessary.

So, what's next? 

Taking a few months off from the tests and treatments is vital. The only difficult part is getting back into the infertility routine; labs, appointments, medications, etc. You know how life goes; routines are life and adding something back in takes time, but I'm getting there. 

What are we doing?

Right now we're not doing anything with the assistance of medicine. We're taking time for our mental health and making ourselves our best selves.

We're back into a gym routine (lost over 10% of my body weight [insert heart eye emoji here]) 

We've put energy into designing and decorating our basement. 

We've had a lot of fun making new things in the kitchen [hey, blue apron!].

What's working? & What isn't? 

Nothing has helped us conceive yet (obviously). Would losing weight help? A different diet? Other treatments? Because nothing has worked, why not change it up?

I am working with my endocrinologist to get my prolactin levels under control. Will that help? Maybe. But it can't hurt and that's the boat that we're in right now. 

What can I do better?

Once we're back into treatments I need to keep my worldview broad. My life isn't defined by this one thing.

There you have it, an update (of sorts)

In a few short days I'll be in the valley of the sun for some hiking, relaxation and Vitamin D. The perfect reset button.

better. not bitter.

4 months since my last post. Sorry. I spent way too much time thinking about a clever re-intro, but came up with nothing. 

In the land of fertility treatments, nothing is new. We attempted two additional cycles since I last blogged with no success. And then the deja vu sets in; at a routine appointment my doctor noticed that my prolactin levels were increased - she ordered an MRI - the MRI was normal - I was referred to an endocrinologist - endocrinologist prescribes medication - we take a break. 

Sound familiar? If no, check out this post. 

In other news; I got inked. For my birthday, my incredibly thoughtful husband dog surprised me.. big time. The consult, appointment, everything was setup and ready for me. I was in awe of his thoughtfulness. So, what does my tattoo mean? It's initials and in morse code: 

PM, BM, CM

PM - Y'all should get this one. 

BM - Blube Mahal. When we were pregnant and found out that the pregnancy was lost, the baby was the size of a blueberry and we affectionately called it Blube. I'm not still 'holding on' to the loss or dwelling on the past, but Blube has shaped my life, marriage, strength, personality.. everything. It is a constant reminder (when I remember that I have a tattoo ;)). 

CM - Charlie Mahal. This is for the girl that made me a dog mom. I'll go ahead and spare the corniness, but her initials deserve a place on me forever. 

And, finally to the title of this blog post; better. not bitter. It is the New Year after all and time for resolutions. I want to be a better person, drink good wine, be thoughtful, have fun, try new things and be the best me. I can spend my time wallowing and being sad or I can be better.

Until next time... 

SaveSaveSaveSave

shots fired

Throughout this infertility journey there are good days and bad. There are days I feel like I can take on the world with a smile on face. There are days that I want to burst into tears at the sight of a pregnant belly. In the middle of a cycle, when I'm filled with hope, there are significantly more good days than bad. 

The 16th cycle is (so far) bringing the most hope - which in turn brings more good days. Win, win.

Why? 

Good question. 

In this blog post I talked about the possibility of moving toward the slow protocol or gonadotropins (who comes up with these names?). Well, that's what we're doing. Every night for the last 3 weeks I get a shot. It's not painful and it has become part of our routine. 

Surprisingly my insanely stubborn body is responding and I am left attempting to maintain a positive attitude. So that is what we'll do. 

RANDOMS:

1

I have talked about the lack of bedside manner at reproductive endocrinologist clinics in the past - it is typically bad. This week I experienced the most kindness and support at an REs office.. ever. I was so taken back and feel like I've found the diamond in the rough (corny!).

2

We just started watching The Night Of. Obviously by watching, I mean binging. It is really, really good (with the exception of John's eczema - ewh)

3

These words

happy moments = happy life

I am starting this post in my freshly cleaned house with beautiful peonies staring at me (thanks, tyler), a cold glass of proseco and the smell of fresh cut grass wafting through the windows (thanks, phil). Life is pretty good - isn't it? 

I had an awesome reminder this week via a friend of a friend to be present (hey kaylz). It is not a new concept or not even on that I don't tell myself time after time, but sometimes even the best practices need a little nudge to the front of my brain. 

I sent her my thanks because it was a reminder that I desperately needed.

Along the same lines of presence, I am reminded of this quote that I stole from an instagrammer that I follow:

Maybe we're all wasting our lives waiting for something. A big promotion, summertime, the weekend, a baby. The constant waiting and lack of satisfaction can be seriously exhausting - believe me. 

I am going to set a reminder on my phone with a link to this blog post every so-often because it is far too easy to fall down the rabbit hole. The waiting/wishing/wanting rabbit hole. There are happy moments every single day that are worth celebrating. By celebrating the happy moments, we achieve the happy life. 

That said, I am off to throw some brats on the grill, drink some bubbles and enjoy.

one back, one forward, one back, back, back

The other day in one of my many tearful calls to my husband after a doctor's appointment I said, 'who needs valleyfair when you have the rollercoaster that is our fertility'. It's up and it's way, way down - and I never ever know what's going to happen when I walk into that clinic. 

This cycle started on Femara and an increased dosage from last cycle's try. 

• Appointment 1: Doc didn't seeing any follicle growth and was visibly disappointed with the progress.
• Appointment 2: There was a little something there, enough that we could schedule another ultrasound (and get my hopes up).
• Appointment 3: A little follicle growth from appt 2. We decided to give it 5 days, ultrasound again and see where we were at.
• Appointment 4: Growth had halted. Cancelled cycle. See you next 'month' (I use month in quotes because for normal women, cycles are a month. For me; they could be years).

What a kick in the gut!

When the nurse called to give me the news she stuck to the party line in the infertility world ... "your best bet here is to try IVF". 

Gee, thanks. Call and give me terrible news and throw that at me... in a voicemail. 

What now?

Since there is not a response to the medicine that we're currently using we will have to jump up to injectables or gonadotropins. 

And, because it's better to laugh then cry - here is some infertility humor. Enjoy.

mother's day

I love my mom, all my grandmas, my mother-in-law, my godmother and all the mothers in my life. I look up to and admire my friends that are mothers. I am thankful for all of them and all the women in my life. But, this day is so. hard.

Amid the celebrations of all things maternal, I'm forced to have skin so much thicker than I ever imagined I would (i am kind of a wimp). Scrolling through Instagram is like punch after punch in the gut. The day is a reminder of something that comes so easy to others and is (seemingly) impossible for us. 

To add a little more sting to this day, if our last medicated cycle had gone as planned, we would have tested today - positive or negative - wouldn't that have been a great way to celebrate the day? A positive! Now, don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that my doctors don't move ahead with procedures unless the circumstances are just right on, but, still. 

All this 'woe is me' is not my style. I want to honor all moms:

moms with little ones,

those who have lost their moms,

those who long to be mothers,

soon-to-be moms

and those who are mothers despite the absence of children (aka dogs moms :)). 

Cheers to the moms out there. All moms. Moms in every shape and form. Have a glass of wine, kick up your feet, this day's for you and you've earned it.

How about an Update?

As mentioned in a previous blog post (here), Phil and I are back in the game. What have we been up to since then? Here are the numbers:

1 consult appointment

7 blood draws

1 hysterosalpingogram (hsg)

6 filled prescriptions

5 pills per day

After all that, we're ready to really start. I'm giddly like a school girl today because yet another obstacle has been cleared. 

On our nightly walk last night I told Phil that I don't like surprises; I'd rather have everything spoiled. This applies to The Bachelor, movies, TV shows and most importantly - our future. 

Spoiler (n): the element of a disseminated summary or description of any piece of information that reveals any plot elements which threaten to give away important details concerning the turn of events in a dramatic episode.

The good news is, our future has already been spoiled (in my eyes): we are going to have a baby; be a family; live happily ever after. Now that is cleared up, we just need to get there. Slowly, but surely.

back on the horse...

What a whirlwind the last 4 months have been. After the aforementioned move and the holidays, we've finally been able to take a deep breath. While enjoying our new home, we decided that one thing was still missing... a baby. There are countless posts on my blog about us trying, experiencing loss and taking (massive) breaks. 

We've been on a 'break' since the end of 2014, but now feels like the right time. If you ask anyone when the 'right' time to have a baby is - they will say never. There's never a right time. 

But this feels like the most right time ever (for us).

Obviously giving it the good ol' college try didn't work so we started at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. 

My new RE had to have the following attributions:

1 - don't tell me that IVF is the only way that I will be a mom.

2 - please, act like I'm a person.

3 - understand me and my past and how it shapes me and my decisions now.

Our new place succeeded and met all of my demands (without me making them, of course). 

We did the meet & great, talked about the past, talked about the future. It felt great. They wanted to re-test EVERYTHING - 8 vials of blood later we know the following:

- my prolactin is elevated (we knew that already)

- my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is elevated (we did NOT know that)

What now:

- medications to regulate my TSH, then back for bloodwork

- then ultrasounds, meds, syringes -- the whole kit & caboodle. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being a support to my dude & I. Just, Thanks. 

Give Grace

Every time I hear of a bloggers, news organization or anyone speaking out about infertility, my ears perk up and my heart smiles. I blogged about it during NIAW week that 1 in 8 couples are affected by infertility but still people don't talk. 

Women remain silent and hurt. Men don't share. 

The latest blog is a new one to my repertoire; Scarlet & Gold Designs. They've started a Give Grace campaign - you have to see these designs! Beautiful gold foil prints all designed based on their personal struggles with infertility. 

100% of the proceeds will go towards sending these women to the creme de la creme of fertility docs in the country. Once they've received their treatment - they're continuing the collection and donating the proceeds to help more couples struggling to start a family; either through IVF or adoption. 

Read more about the campaign here.

more reading: the ugly truth of IVF

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us

We hope that you will join us in our #GiveGrace™ movement to break the silence about infertility and to become more open about all our struggles. There is so much freedom in being real and sharing with honesty and vulnerability. With each purchase, we will be including two gold metallic Give Grace™ temporary tattoos. We encourage you to wear the first one and post a picture, telling your friends what giving grace means to you. Then, share the second one with someone who needs encouragement. Together, we can be a light in this dark world and can help carry each other’s burdens. Will you join us?

So, maybe pick up a beautiful print and do something good today. 

#givegrace

#NIAW

For those who don't know what my fancy, fang dangled abbreviations are - NIAW = National Infertility Awareness Week. 

This year's theme is You are Not Alone. Genius.
It's crazy, really. Everyone knows someone who is or has been in this boat - Infertility impacts 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. So, think about your friends, aunts, uncles, co-workers - you know more than 8 couples, right? At least one of them is impacted by this!

We are 1 in 8.

I find so much inspiration reading and listening to others' stories; the successes and failures. 

This is a great week to search blogs, read twitter and join a community because, as the theme states, you are not alone. We are not alone. Listen. Read. Speak up!

My favorite resource: Resolve

want more information on our story? click on the PCOS, Loss & Infertility tab at the top of the page. want even more? drop me a line!

   

We're Back!

...well, not quite.

We had the past two months+ off to enjoy ourselves and family time around the holidays. It was glorious!

That said.. I am ready to get back. I am ready to try another clinic and hopefully find a place where we fit. I have had several long conversations with friends, family, my therapist and my husband and it all comes back to being totally upfront with our new doctor from the first appointment. I am going to share our past experience, what we want, what we don't want.

First appointment is beginning of February and we're back. Stay tuned..

xo - amanda

Nov 2013 Updates + A Sign Off (for now)

I am going to attempt to recap the last month or so of our lives in a tiny little blog post. I left off on October 10 - We started and are still in cycle 11 and month 22 and 23. My doctor decided we were going to go with the same protocol as the previous cycle but with an increased dosage of the meds - 7.5 mg of Femara for 5 days, Oct 14-18. I went in for the normal monitoring appointment and there was no growth of follicles. Back in three days - nothing.

In the meantime I had my MRI to check on my pituitary gland (http://madasm.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/prolactin/). It was a semi-traumatic experience. My darling husband came along but had to wait in the lobby the whole time. The nice tech started telling me about what was going to happen and I cried - not an ugly cry or an all out cry - but, tears just falling out of my eyes. Unexplained, I guess you could call it. It was time for the IV crew and it took three different folks FIVE tries to start an IV on me -- see bruised vein below. 

It turned about that everything in my brain was 'normal'. Phil may disagree :). I started a medication that should decrease my prolactin levels which hopefully will help in the aid of getting knocked up!

On 10/30 this cycle started to unravel. Phil and I had a meeting with Dr. E to discuss what's happening and where we go from here. It went terrible. She mentioned IVF 6 times AFTER we told her that it's not in the cards for us. The conversation went a bit like this:

dr. e - is it financial?

mahals - that is a part of it, but not all of it. it is just something we have discussed and it's not going to be our route to being parents.

dr. e - let me show you the stats.

mahals - no thanks, we're not going to do IVF

dr. e - it gives you the best chance to be parents

mahals - while we understand that, we don't want to do that.

I had an ultrasound that same day which still showed nothing so we started another injectable called Follistim. It is a Follicle Stimulating hormone which is supposed to do just that - stimulate my follicles into growing, cooperating!! Three days of injects - nothing. Three more days of injects - nothing.

Then I get another phone call from Dr. E and she goes through the whole song and dance about 'how are you doing?', 'hang in there', we'll get it. And then she said... wait for it... 'you guys should really consider IVF'.

WHAT? I WATCHED YOU WRITE IN YOUR LITTLE NOTEBOOK THAT WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO THAT - IT'S NOT FOR US. WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP AGAIN? WHY, WHY WHY??

I said, more firmly this time, 'NO, we are not going to do that'. And she said to me, 'Well, I guess we will have to do this slow, tedious process then.'

Done. I haven't been back to that clinic again and will not be going back. If I have learned anything in the last 24 months (besides how strong i am sometimes) it's that you really have to be in charge of your own care. You have to do your research. If something isn't working out - change it.

With all that said - we are on a break. We are not doing any ultrasounds, blood draws, Phil isn't stabbing me with injects.. NOTHING for the rest of 2013. We're going to re-evaluate our situation and find a Reproductive Endo that I can trust and will have a little bit of empathy. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy the Holidays with my amazingly supportive Husband and drink copious amounts of wine :)

While going through my old FB posts I found this little nugget. This is something that I posted right around the beginning of our journey to become parents and it's beyond true. We will keep taking step after step until we reach our goal!

I know my posts have been few and far between but I am signing off until 2014.

Happy Holidays, all.

XO -

AM

cycle 10/ month 21

My last post was less than a month ago, which shouldn't be a huge accomplishment. This cycle was a roller coaster of emotions:

Started on August 30 with the normal routine; ultrasound, plan, go. We decided to go with Femara of 5mg for five days and then reevaluation of what was going on.

On September 12, I had my normal ultrasound which showed no growth of follicles and I left the office thinking that we were done again this cycle. I got a phone call from Dr. E later in the afternoon and she suggested we strongly consider IVF since she's having a difficult time making me ovulate. Phil and I have discussed IVF in the past and it's absolutely off the table at the current moment - it's not even up for discussion. This was particularly devastating to me: you can't make me ovulate? this is my only option? what? She made the determination that we were going to go with a 'stair-step'. This means that instead of taking provera and waiting for AF we were going to jump right back into Femara and do another 5 day dose but at 7.5 mg this time. Drugs, ultrasound, repeat.

On September 23, another ultrasound which showed two follicles of measurable size; a 11.5 mm and a 15 mm and good lining! It was time to use the stored HCG (Ovidrel) shot that we've had in the fridge since May! That night, Phil followed the instructions and stabbed me with the needle. The following two days, the 24th and 25th, I had two positive Ovulations tests - that's new!

Then, I (im)patiently waited for October 7 to take a pregnancy test. Negative. Negative. Negative.

Are we bummed? Yes, of course. But, we have a plan that 'worked' and hopefully it will again. This treatment coupled with getting my Prolactin levels figured out could be a winning combination. Fingers crossed, right? Here we go - on to the next one.

ten words that describe infertility

I am copying and pasting a fantastic blog post that I recently came across - it is from The Actual Pastor regarding Ten Words that Describe Infertility. One year ago today Phil and I had the most exciting, promising and joyous day of our lives - not our wedding, but our first positive pregnancy test. Holy cow our lives changed in that moment. Here we are, one year later from that day and 22 months into this journey and we're still truckin' along.

Enjoy these 10 things because they really, really resonate with me.

XO - A.

1. Lonely. We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed. Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold. We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded. For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward. During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry. Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed. Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair. The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal. 

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.

credits: http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/

Mr. Fallon

First of all, I'm obesessed with all things SNL and especially Weekend Update so you can reasonably deduce that I'm a big Jimmy Fallon fan. Also, I am so grateful to have people who speak out about their struggles with infertility. Jimmy Fallon recently revealed the story behind his daughter, Winnie's, name and his wife's struggle with infertility. My favorite quote and something I'm really going to take to heart is the following:

“We tried for a long time — five years. I know people have tried much longer but if anyone out there is trying and losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue, try anything you can do. You’ll get there. You’ll end up with a family. It is the most worth it thing. I’m just so happy right now, I’m freaking out.” -- Jimmy Fallon

The Mahal's are 'hanging in there' until we reach our goal of a family. Thanks Jimmy for your wise, wise words.

http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/08/13/jimmy-fallon-daughter-name-lake-winnipesaukee/

Cycle 9

Yesterday (sunday) was a 'bad day' - there will be good and bad on this journey and yesterday just wasn't the best. I went in for CD13 ultrasound and there wasn't anything of significance except for a large cyst leftover from last cycle. The nurse looked at me perplexed and said 'you're a tough one - how are we going to make you produce eggs and ovulate?'. Her guess is as good as mine.

What now? Start over. Another 10-day dose of provera and then back to the drawing board.

There are many difficult things about this whole thing but the worst is sending my husband the same text after every cycle: nothing yet. start over. We're doing such a good job of staying positive and trying to see the silver lining in everything but it's getting tougher.

I also realized that we're in our 20th month of trying for our first babe. 20 months... that sounds like such a long time, right?

Summer is winding down but I am looking forward to all things fall; The fair, chai tea lattes, leaves changing and football.



Have a great day everyone - A.



Schedule of Cycle 9

CD4:  Ultrasound

CD5-9: Femara 5mg

CD13: Ultrasound

Prolactin

I feel like I could have a lot of my posts on this blog named 'one step forward - two steps back', but that would be unoriginal and weird. It might be fitting in this case.

I got a phone call from Dr. E on Friday and she said that I have increased prolactin. This was discovered during my fasting blood draw last week - fasting until 10am. Who can do that? Well anyway, she recommended me to an endocrinologist in Minneapolis who works a lot with her patients. I called to make an appointment - one month. Always one months.. never fails.

What is prolactin or increased prolactin you may ask? This is all my own research, so bear with me....

If the test shows too much prolactin in your blood, you will most likely have trouble getting pregnant and also might have irregular periods. Too much prolactin is definitely a problem if you are trying to get pregnant, since it can be a major roadblock. You can also suffer from vision problems, headaches and a reduced sex drive as a result of too much prolactin.

Causes of high levels

High levels of prolactin can be caused by a number of things. One of the most common is prescription medications, lack of sleep, or extreme stress or strenuous exercise. Sometimes there are more serious reasons for high prolactin levels, including a tumor on the pituitary gland, or sometimes PCOS can also be to blame. Prolactin levels can also be increased if you have liver or kidney problems as well.

Treatments

If your doctor is able to determine what is causing your high levels of prolactin, and fix the problem, your prolactin levels can begin to drop almost immediately. Once high prolactin levels are brought down, there is a great chance of being able to conceive on your own. It is just a matter of figuring out what is causing the high prolactin levels and how to fix it. There are several drugs on the market right now that can easily treat high prolactin levels in most women and bring them down to a safe level. Just be sure to ask your doctor about what you can do in your case if you think high prolactin levels could be contributing to your infertility.

One more roadblock for the dude and I but we'll get past this one too. Keep on keepin' on. We're still in the middle of a medicated cycle right now so fingers crossed that this will all be Moo (a cows opinion, it doesn't matter).

bummed, but optimistic

We are currently wrapping up cycle 8 of our baby journey. You may think to yourself, '8 cycles.. 8 months. that's not bad'. My cycles are not short and sweet. My longest cycle was 135 days and the average of all 8 is 70 days. Now that we are at the RE we are a little more regular than before. But to us 8 cycles = 19 months.

This cycle was our first medicated cycle and it was a learning experience for both of us. We learned that drugs make me crazy, Philip is the best husband ever and that it takes me 27 minutes to get to the doc in Minneapolis. We also talked alot about follicles.

Ovarian follicles are the basic units of female reproductive biology, each of which is composed of roughly spherical aggregations of cells found in the ovary. They contain a single oocyte (immature ovum or egg). These structures are periodically initiated to grow and develop, culminating in ovulation of usually a single competent oocyte in humans. These eggs/ova are developed only once every menstrual cycle (e.g. once a month in humans). via Wikipedia

We are done with this cycle because I did not have enough mature follicles to move ahead with the IUI. I am bummed, but optimistic (hence the title). We will meet with the doctor and reevaluate everything - what do we do now? up the meds? change meds? These will be all the questions that we ask when we go back.

Schedule of Cycle 8

CD2:  Ultrasound

CD3-7: Clomid 50mg

CD12: Ultrasound

CD15: Ultrasound

CD18: Ultrasound

Thanks all for reading. Have a great weekend and keep enjoyin' that summer.