Holy S*#t!

To be completely blunt, these past 5 years have sucked. Every single pregnancy announcement, every crying baby, every rejection, every needle, and every setback. The universe has tested me. Despite these years being the hardest of my life -- they've been the best. These years have made my marriage incredibly strong. They've made me incredibly strong. They've made me appreciative. They made me a(dog)mom. 

These years have been everything. 

These years have lead me to where I am today...

15 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby.

I am so overwhelmed with emotion even typing those words. 15. weeks. pregnant. healthy. baby.

How did we get here?

Our frozen embryo transfer (FET) took place in early August. And like our first cycle, everything went "perfect". Only this time I didn't follow the rules and started taking home pregnancy tests (HPTs) 5 days after the transfer. 

Positive, positive, positive. They were all positive. 

I tested everyday, multiple times per day. We should have bought stock in those tests. We'd be rich!

Then came the blood draw. The real test since the HPTs can be unreliable (the reason phil and my clinic told me to stay away).

You know the old adage "a watched pot never boils"? Maybe we would update it for the 21st century to be "a watched cell phone never rings". I watched and waited and at long last.. I missed the call.

Beta 1 = 649

The first beta is a good indication of how everything is going, but it needs to double in 48 hours or there could be cause for concern. 

Fertility treatments are one big waiting game. Waiting for calls. Waiting for results. Waiting for news - both good & bad. And waiting 2 measly days between beta blood tests. 

While I was still taking HPTs and they were still positive, there's no better indication that it worked than these darn blood tests.

Beta 2 = 2724

Holy S*#t! We were pregnant. 

But then we waited again. And this time longer than the 2 measly days between beta blood tests. Two whole weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks + anxiety. Anxiety is that evil bitch who rears her ugly head in the times when you need to keep her buried away. 

The morning of our first ultrasound finally came. Finally. And it should come as no surprise that I was a ball of emotions. While we waited for the tech, I made Phil tell me about his walk with Charlie that morning to keep the tears at bay. He told me the story to keep my mind off the baby and all I thought about was the baby. 

"There's the baby. There's the heartbeat" 

These 6 words might have had more impact on my life than any others. 

After another 2 weeks and another emotion filled ultrasound, we finally graduated from the reproductive endocrinologist. Sorry PLHS grads, this graduation day was far, far sweeter.

And, maybe best of all. Our first child is getting a sibling. 

So, that's it. Life is now filled with new anxieties and emotions but they're so, so welcome and we couldn't be more excited. Thanks for reading. Thanks for tagging along with us. Just, Thanks.

pins & needles

One month and oh, so much has happened. 

Our clinic requires that we setup a 3-hour appointment to sign consent forms, perform a trial transfer (so the real embryo transfer goes off without a hitch) and discuss the plan one last time with our doc. 

Every minute of this massively long appointment went great. Everything has gone great. 

Until... 

The prescriptions. This was a debacle. 

DEBACLE.

My full list of medications was sent to the [crappy] pharmacy on Monday. I called a few times each day to make sure things were moving along as we're on a pretty tight timeline and we needed the goods by Friday. At the very latest.

Needless to say, I've cemented my position on their 'do not answer' list, but I finally recieved confirmation that our 15 pound box of drugs would be delivered on Friday between 8 am - 8 pm & needed to be signed for. Luckily, we have flexible jobs and were able to tag team all day so at least one of us was home.

4 - no package

5 - no package

6 - no package

At 6:45 I received a call from the [crappy] pharmacy with an unrelated question and while I had them on the phone... 

Um, It's 6:45, any idea when my package will be delivered?

Oh, someone was supposed to call you and let you know that it will be delivered tomorrow between 8 and 8. Looks like they didn't. You'll have it by tomorrow at this time. 

No.

And the flood gates opened. Through deep sobs, I begged her to do something.

At 9am the next morning the doorbell rang and I was greeted with a large package. Another Amazon box? No, just my mountain of medications. They're damn lucky too or they would have had an angry Phil and a crying Amanda after them. 

...

A typical day includes 2 injections, 2 AM pills and 4 PM pills. We are 5 days into this routine and I manage to go from the cool, confident girl to the over-googling, worried girl... in the same hour... and then back again. But, if I am being completely honest with you (and myself), all the needles, probes, worries and tears will all be worth it this time, or next time or the next time. 

Thank you to every single person who has sent us love & encouragement. 

On that note, I'm signing off.

Recovery & Reevaluation

It's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and it's the perfect time to reflect on our infertility journey and reevaluate our approach & strategy and think about what's next. We have plans to resume treatment in 2017 but, as we have discovered in the past, taking time to recover from treatment is necessary.

So, what's next? 

Taking a few months off from the tests and treatments is vital. The only difficult part is getting back into the infertility routine; labs, appointments, medications, etc. You know how life goes; routines are life and adding something back in takes time, but I'm getting there. 

What are we doing?

Right now we're not doing anything with the assistance of medicine. We're taking time for our mental health and making ourselves our best selves.

We're back into a gym routine (lost over 10% of my body weight [insert heart eye emoji here]) 

We've put energy into designing and decorating our basement. 

We've had a lot of fun making new things in the kitchen [hey, blue apron!].

What's working? & What isn't? 

Nothing has helped us conceive yet (obviously). Would losing weight help? A different diet? Other treatments? Because nothing has worked, why not change it up?

I am working with my endocrinologist to get my prolactin levels under control. Will that help? Maybe. But it can't hurt and that's the boat that we're in right now. 

What can I do better?

Once we're back into treatments I need to keep my worldview broad. My life isn't defined by this one thing.

There you have it, an update (of sorts)

In a few short days I'll be in the valley of the sun for some hiking, relaxation and Vitamin D. The perfect reset button.

Give Grace

Every time I hear of a bloggers, news organization or anyone speaking out about infertility, my ears perk up and my heart smiles. I blogged about it during NIAW week that 1 in 8 couples are affected by infertility but still people don't talk. 

Women remain silent and hurt. Men don't share. 

The latest blog is a new one to my repertoire; Scarlet & Gold Designs. They've started a Give Grace campaign - you have to see these designs! Beautiful gold foil prints all designed based on their personal struggles with infertility. 

100% of the proceeds will go towards sending these women to the creme de la creme of fertility docs in the country. Once they've received their treatment - they're continuing the collection and donating the proceeds to help more couples struggling to start a family; either through IVF or adoption. 

Read more about the campaign here.

more reading: the ugly truth of IVF

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us

We hope that you will join us in our #GiveGrace™ movement to break the silence about infertility and to become more open about all our struggles. There is so much freedom in being real and sharing with honesty and vulnerability. With each purchase, we will be including two gold metallic Give Grace™ temporary tattoos. We encourage you to wear the first one and post a picture, telling your friends what giving grace means to you. Then, share the second one with someone who needs encouragement. Together, we can be a light in this dark world and can help carry each other’s burdens. Will you join us?

So, maybe pick up a beautiful print and do something good today. 

#givegrace

#NIAW

For those who don't know what my fancy, fang dangled abbreviations are - NIAW = National Infertility Awareness Week. 

This year's theme is You are Not Alone. Genius.
It's crazy, really. Everyone knows someone who is or has been in this boat - Infertility impacts 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age. So, think about your friends, aunts, uncles, co-workers - you know more than 8 couples, right? At least one of them is impacted by this!

We are 1 in 8.

I find so much inspiration reading and listening to others' stories; the successes and failures. 

This is a great week to search blogs, read twitter and join a community because, as the theme states, you are not alone. We are not alone. Listen. Read. Speak up!

My favorite resource: Resolve

want more information on our story? click on the PCOS, Loss & Infertility tab at the top of the page. want even more? drop me a line!