Recovery & Reevaluation

It's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and it's the perfect time to reflect on our infertility journey and reevaluate our approach & strategy and think about what's next. We have plans to resume treatment in 2017 but, as we have discovered in the past, taking time to recover from treatment is necessary.

So, what's next? 

Taking a few months off from the tests and treatments is vital. The only difficult part is getting back into the infertility routine; labs, appointments, medications, etc. You know how life goes; routines are life and adding something back in takes time, but I'm getting there. 

What are we doing?

Right now we're not doing anything with the assistance of medicine. We're taking time for our mental health and making ourselves our best selves.

We're back into a gym routine (lost over 10% of my body weight [insert heart eye emoji here]) 

We've put energy into designing and decorating our basement. 

We've had a lot of fun making new things in the kitchen [hey, blue apron!].

What's working? & What isn't? 

Nothing has helped us conceive yet (obviously). Would losing weight help? A different diet? Other treatments? Because nothing has worked, why not change it up?

I am working with my endocrinologist to get my prolactin levels under control. Will that help? Maybe. But it can't hurt and that's the boat that we're in right now. 

What can I do better?

Once we're back into treatments I need to keep my worldview broad. My life isn't defined by this one thing.

There you have it, an update (of sorts)

In a few short days I'll be in the valley of the sun for some hiking, relaxation and Vitamin D. The perfect reset button.

shots fired

Throughout this infertility journey there are good days and bad. There are days I feel like I can take on the world with a smile on face. There are days that I want to burst into tears at the sight of a pregnant belly. In the middle of a cycle, when I'm filled with hope, there are significantly more good days than bad. 

The 16th cycle is (so far) bringing the most hope - which in turn brings more good days. Win, win.

Why? 

Good question. 

In this blog post I talked about the possibility of moving toward the slow protocol or gonadotropins (who comes up with these names?). Well, that's what we're doing. Every night for the last 3 weeks I get a shot. It's not painful and it has become part of our routine. 

Surprisingly my insanely stubborn body is responding and I am left attempting to maintain a positive attitude. So that is what we'll do. 

RANDOMS:

1

I have talked about the lack of bedside manner at reproductive endocrinologist clinics in the past - it is typically bad. This week I experienced the most kindness and support at an REs office.. ever. I was so taken back and feel like I've found the diamond in the rough (corny!).

2

We just started watching The Night Of. Obviously by watching, I mean binging. It is really, really good (with the exception of John's eczema - ewh)

3

These words

one back, one forward, one back, back, back

The other day in one of my many tearful calls to my husband after a doctor's appointment I said, 'who needs valleyfair when you have the rollercoaster that is our fertility'. It's up and it's way, way down - and I never ever know what's going to happen when I walk into that clinic. 

This cycle started on Femara and an increased dosage from last cycle's try. 

• Appointment 1: Doc didn't seeing any follicle growth and was visibly disappointed with the progress.
• Appointment 2: There was a little something there, enough that we could schedule another ultrasound (and get my hopes up).
• Appointment 3: A little follicle growth from appt 2. We decided to give it 5 days, ultrasound again and see where we were at.
• Appointment 4: Growth had halted. Cancelled cycle. See you next 'month' (I use month in quotes because for normal women, cycles are a month. For me; they could be years).

What a kick in the gut!

When the nurse called to give me the news she stuck to the party line in the infertility world ... "your best bet here is to try IVF". 

Gee, thanks. Call and give me terrible news and throw that at me... in a voicemail. 

What now?

Since there is not a response to the medicine that we're currently using we will have to jump up to injectables or gonadotropins. 

And, because it's better to laugh then cry - here is some infertility humor. Enjoy.

How about an Update?

As mentioned in a previous blog post (here), Phil and I are back in the game. What have we been up to since then? Here are the numbers:

1 consult appointment

7 blood draws

1 hysterosalpingogram (hsg)

6 filled prescriptions

5 pills per day

After all that, we're ready to really start. I'm giddly like a school girl today because yet another obstacle has been cleared. 

On our nightly walk last night I told Phil that I don't like surprises; I'd rather have everything spoiled. This applies to The Bachelor, movies, TV shows and most importantly - our future. 

Spoiler (n): the element of a disseminated summary or description of any piece of information that reveals any plot elements which threaten to give away important details concerning the turn of events in a dramatic episode.

The good news is, our future has already been spoiled (in my eyes): we are going to have a baby; be a family; live happily ever after. Now that is cleared up, we just need to get there. Slowly, but surely.

mothers day

Mothers Day was tough. I didn't think it was going to be.. at all! I woke up and checked my twitter and facebook - like I do every morning - and it was like Mothers Day threw up all over my social media. And I cried.

We went to Home Depot to pick up some flowers. And I cried.

We came home and got ready for brunch. And I cried... Are you getting the theme here?

After brunch I took a long, amazing nap and woke up to a text from my bffffff, Em. There was a post on FB that she wanted to check out. I think it's so thoughtful and powerful that I just want to read it every day:

To those who gave birth this year to their first child - we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year - we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains - we appreciate  you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions or running away - we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears and disappointment - we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don't mean to make this harder than it is

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms or spiritual moms - we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children - we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache and distance with your children - we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year - we grieve with you

To those who experience abuse at the hands of your own mother - we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood - we are better for having your in our midst

To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that live has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love of grandchildren yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year - we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption - we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to this who are pregnant with new live, both expected and surprising - we anticipate with you

This Mothers Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

No matter how hard Mother's Day was for me, there are real amazing women - Mothers and non - who are truly amazing. I am so lucky to have each and every one of them in my life.

Enough of the mushy stuff. Happy Monday, y'all.

xo - Amanda