IVF

When I first met with my therapist in 2013 (yeah, you read that right - 2013) I vividly remember saying that IVF was not in the cards for Phil and I. It wasn't something that I was morally against, but, just.. no.

Fast forward 5 years.
I had a revelation at our last appointment when she/my therapist said 'Why aren't you doing IVF?'. It was a bold question and I didn't have an answer. Why weren't we? When I quickly answered 'no' in 2013 I had the the luxury of time. I was naive. There was no way that the process of having a baby would take this long. News flash: it is.

When I left, I called Phil and through tears I told him that IVF was our next step. His response; "I'm on board". Sounds simple enough, right? The undying support makes my heart explode.

Over the next few months we talked, thought, weighed our options and got excited about the future. Well, here we are.

We finally had our informational meeting with our clinic of choice last night.

We sat in a room with 10 other couples and learned about the next steps, process, doctors, best practices and yes, the money. It's so overwhelming.

We have appointments to finalize the details in the coming weeks and then the race is on.


There isn't much else to report today but I wanted to give an update. I wanted to let whoever is reading that I'm an open book. This journey isn't just ours, it's everyone who's supported us throughout the years and lead us to this point. The future is so exciting and we're ready.

Now we go..

I'ma keep running

In my last post I mentioned that my body was responding to the injectables. It was a long 20+ days but things were moving in the right direction. Well, after the positive response, the follicles on the ovaries are stimulated and there are [approximately] 4 million additional hoops that need to be jumped through in order to get pregnant. 

Our first IUI did not work. The silver lining is this; we responded and arrived at the point where we could give it a shot!

The news was hard to hear. PJ brought home pizza, we drank good wine and cuddled with our girl; the best cure for a positively shitty day.

Just about the time where we came to accept our failure and were ready to move on, we find out that our next cycle is cancelled. Cancelled. Cancelled due to cysts on my ovaries. I'm telling you, infertility is not for the faint of heart.

This turn of events is not ideal but there is nothing we can do [have to keep telling myself that] so we keep our heads up and keep on keeping on. Keep our heads up and obviously take advice from Beyonce. 

Switching gears. Tyler's Married!

WOAH.

My little brother is hitched and we had a great time celebrating. I laughed, cried and was so proud of him. 

rehearsal dinner

sibs

best of the best

one back, one forward, one back, back, back

The other day in one of my many tearful calls to my husband after a doctor's appointment I said, 'who needs valleyfair when you have the rollercoaster that is our fertility'. It's up and it's way, way down - and I never ever know what's going to happen when I walk into that clinic. 

This cycle started on Femara and an increased dosage from last cycle's try. 

• Appointment 1: Doc didn't seeing any follicle growth and was visibly disappointed with the progress.
• Appointment 2: There was a little something there, enough that we could schedule another ultrasound (and get my hopes up).
• Appointment 3: A little follicle growth from appt 2. We decided to give it 5 days, ultrasound again and see where we were at.
• Appointment 4: Growth had halted. Cancelled cycle. See you next 'month' (I use month in quotes because for normal women, cycles are a month. For me; they could be years).

What a kick in the gut!

When the nurse called to give me the news she stuck to the party line in the infertility world ... "your best bet here is to try IVF". 

Gee, thanks. Call and give me terrible news and throw that at me... in a voicemail. 

What now?

Since there is not a response to the medicine that we're currently using we will have to jump up to injectables or gonadotropins. 

And, because it's better to laugh then cry - here is some infertility humor. Enjoy.

How about an Update?

As mentioned in a previous blog post (here), Phil and I are back in the game. What have we been up to since then? Here are the numbers:

1 consult appointment

7 blood draws

1 hysterosalpingogram (hsg)

6 filled prescriptions

5 pills per day

After all that, we're ready to really start. I'm giddly like a school girl today because yet another obstacle has been cleared. 

On our nightly walk last night I told Phil that I don't like surprises; I'd rather have everything spoiled. This applies to The Bachelor, movies, TV shows and most importantly - our future. 

Spoiler (n): the element of a disseminated summary or description of any piece of information that reveals any plot elements which threaten to give away important details concerning the turn of events in a dramatic episode.

The good news is, our future has already been spoiled (in my eyes): we are going to have a baby; be a family; live happily ever after. Now that is cleared up, we just need to get there. Slowly, but surely.

back on the horse...

What a whirlwind the last 4 months have been. After the aforementioned move and the holidays, we've finally been able to take a deep breath. While enjoying our new home, we decided that one thing was still missing... a baby. There are countless posts on my blog about us trying, experiencing loss and taking (massive) breaks. 

We've been on a 'break' since the end of 2014, but now feels like the right time. If you ask anyone when the 'right' time to have a baby is - they will say never. There's never a right time. 

But this feels like the most right time ever (for us).

Obviously giving it the good ol' college try didn't work so we started at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. 

My new RE had to have the following attributions:

1 - don't tell me that IVF is the only way that I will be a mom.

2 - please, act like I'm a person.

3 - understand me and my past and how it shapes me and my decisions now.

Our new place succeeded and met all of my demands (without me making them, of course). 

We did the meet & great, talked about the past, talked about the future. It felt great. They wanted to re-test EVERYTHING - 8 vials of blood later we know the following:

- my prolactin is elevated (we knew that already)

- my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is elevated (we did NOT know that)

What now:

- medications to regulate my TSH, then back for bloodwork

- then ultrasounds, meds, syringes -- the whole kit & caboodle. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being a support to my dude & I. Just, Thanks. 

You know what's depressing?

Tonight I decided to combine all three of my blogs (baby mahal blog, first blog and new blog). I was going through posts - editing, cleaning up, etc. and came across the post when we first met with our RE (reproductive endo) and made a plan for baby Mahal. Want to know when that post was? APRIL 2013 - two years ago. Two years ago we made a plan and set forth to have a little one and here we are April 2015 and we don't. 

If April 2015 Amanda would have told April 2013 Amanda that I'd be where I am; crazy happy with my husband and (fur)baby - I would have laughed at her. Screamed at her. Told her she was wrong. Because how on earth could we have been so hopeful and two years later there would still be nothing. 

Here's the thing: It's a struggle every day. I think about it (pretty much) every day. I can be having the best day ever and hear that somebody is expecting and I get a deep pit in my stomach and my eyes well up with tears. It is gut wrenching and tough but I deal - we deal. 

I wonder what April 2017 Amanda would have to tell me? I can't (and can) wait to find out. 

Enough mushy stuff for one night. Peace, folks. 

July 2014

Well, my one blog post every 8 months is occurring NOW. To be fair, I have been updating our other baby blog kind of frequently, but nothing since 'the hiatus'.

(note: you can access the operation:baby posts on the right-hand column).

July 2014 has been loads of fun; cabins, outings with buds, a lot of time enjoying our truncated summer - due to the polar vortex, of course. Instead of rambling, I will update in photos and vow to keep this a little more current. Until then. xo, A

 

trifecta status: 1 out of 3

One of the resolutions I have in 2013, which is not actually a resolution is to complete the trifecta. What is the trifecta, you  may ask. Well - it's to buy a new car for Philip, buy a house (or townhouse, condo or something of that variety) and to have a baby.

A day before the new year we completed the first leg: bought a new car. After almost 9 years together, Phil and Bob (the girl jeep) said goodbye. It was an emotional day because there were a lot of memories in that jeep; our first date, listening to Phil's favorite song over and over, driving home after our engagement, etc.

I have named the truck Aidy for now. I'm sure this will change. The reasoning for Aidy is: Adrian Peterson (AD) just had one of the most memorable football seasons in recent memory. AD = Aidy. Get it?


phil saying goodbye to bob... & Aidy



Now that the first leg of the trifecta is complete, it's time to get moving on the next two.

the mahal year in review

I can't believe that 2012 is almost over. Phil and I have decided that 2013 is going to be the year of the Mahals! We have so many things we'd like to accomplish that we have dubbed it our year!

In 2012 we...

• did a little and by that I mean alot of fishing.

• had a lot of cabin time. It is something that both of us really look forward to year in and year out.

• had a little heartbreak. Phil and I experienced the ultimate joy and subsequent let down. The best part? We have a little blube angel watching over us.

• apparantley took a lot of pictures of beverages. i admit it, i'm a strange one.

• had some softball injuries. there is a reason my nickname growing up was Grace.

• started a garden! it was really fun to watch the amazing veggies grow. i also learned that mint is a weed and i never, ever, want to plant it again!

• had heated and sometimes civil discussions about a campaign. between the amendments in Minnesota and the presidential race there was always something to talk about.

• celebrated three years of wedded bliss

best wishes to you and yours this holiday season and into the new year. wishing you all the best in 2013!

xo - the mahals

five things friday

happy friday!

here are my five musings for this first friday in  november:

ONE: I have already started making my Birthday & Christmas lists for this year. Call me crazy. I recently added a beautiful brown saddle tote from Madewell. It's too expensive and I probably won't get it - but, a girl can dream right? If you would like the link, I would be happy to pass it along :)

TWO: Phil and I are not TTCing (Trying to conceive) until the New Year. We found out this week that the doctor wants us to wait a big longer until we give it the ol' college try again. This just means that I will be enjoying lots of wine during the Holiday season. And when I say lots - I mean lots.

THREE: Related to #2, I was a little upset that we having to wait to TTC again but not as much as I thought I would be. This just gives us a chance to get our ducks in a row... that, and drink lots of wine!

FOUR: Phil is hunting this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I will miss my husband but I love sleeping in the middle of the bed, watching trashy television and leaving my shoes wherever I take them off. It's the little things. I also despise hunting, especially for deer. I secretly (well not so much, I guess) hope he doesn't get one.

FIVE: Tonight the Prior Lake Lakers play their last game at Laker Field. The last time 'little' Parker will have a football home game in High School. I can't believe it. Time has gone by so fast.

The Lakers play Woodbury and when/if we win, we're on the Dome for the second straight year. What a career for little brother. Fingers crossed for a 'W'.

pictures from last fridays victory:

Two bonus things: The election is on Tuesday. VOTE!! And the ND Fighting Irish play on Saturday and neeed another W. Whoo!

Have a great weekend, everyone.

XO-

Amanda

the beginning

This is the first. My first blog post. My first venting session. The first....


Background: Philip and I met in May of 2005. He was the cute golf shop guy and I was the bev cart girl. We carried on a flirtation until he finally asked me out on our first date; June 29, 2006. We went to Champps in Burnsville. He opened doors for me, paid for my meal and gave me a hug at the door ;). I was probably in love already. Fast forward 14 months and we're engaged - Fast forward another 14 months to the best day of my life: Mr & Mrs Mahal.


We have the kind of relationship that can't be put into words; we drive each other bananas, love crazy, love the silliness and are each other's best friend - good times & bad. 


Trying to Get Knocked Up: We knew that it was going to be difficult because of my health background. I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) or as Phil calls it P-Cos, kind of gives it the rapper name feel. This basically means that we are going to have to try extra hard to have a little one. When we finally decided to start trying, January 1, 2012, I saw my doctor and she wanted to run a bunch of tests and blood work - everything came back great. I started Metformin and prenatal vitamins. We crossed our fingers and got to the fun part. 

After three months on Metformin and seeing no change in my body my doctor prescribed Provera. This is a drug that builds up the progesterone in the body and causes Aunt Flow. I was on Cycle Day 135 and not looking forward to the next couple weeks. After the round of pills, 7 days, we waited and waited.


The best, most random, day EVER!: Nothing happened with Provera but I was feeling the symptoms. So crampy, tender everything, hungry all. the. time., and exhausted. On September 11, I came home from work and decided to just take a test. "Why not", I thought to myself, it will probably be negative and I will call my doctor and say another thing didn't work. 

 

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. It's positive. That's a line. Holy Cow. Where's Phil?

 

I ran upstairs screaming "PHILIP JAMES". I showed him my pee stick, assured him that I cleaned the pee off and that we were going to be parents. Literally, the happiest I have been since the aforementioned May 30, 2009. I was uncontrollably crying and could not compose myself. 


Pregnancy: I started being my normal worried, freaked out self, and called every single OBGYN in the metro area until someone agreed to see me the next day. I finally settled on a great place and my first appointment was that afternoon. "you're super healthy". "everything looks great". "there's nothing to worry about".  I had my first blood draw that day. 

The test results were rolling in and my HCG levels weren't increasing as much as the doctors would have liked so I was scheduled for an ultrasound. The little Blube (short for blueberry - as Phil and I affectionately called it) was so tiny. They determined I was 5 weeks 5 days and my due date would be May 16, 2013 - three days before daddy's birthday. I saw a little blip of a heartbeat, but nothing measurable. 


One week later, with Phil, and Blube had a HB of 113; still a little low for 6w 5d but it was increasing.


One week later - another ultrasound. I was feeling nervous but confident that our little Blube was going to be stronger than ever! This is the part where I may get a little teary while writing my first ever blog post: the heartbeat was gone. Just like that.. gone.


We met with the doctor who laid out the options. Honestly, it's all a blur. All I know is that Phil held my hand, delivered me kleenex after kleenex and was the rock that I needed at that moment. 


Now What: On October 3rd I had a D&C (you can look it up if you want - but, don't). It wasn't pleasant, I had a panic attack in the hospital. I actually did smile though when Phil jumped out of his chair panicking along side me. 


We're thankful for the opportunity to have an angel looking over us and to have been so happy for the time we were. The story doesn't end here.. it will keep going and when we get our BFP (big f**kin positive) we will be the best gosh darn parents we can be.


Back to the doctor at the end of the month to ask her this same question; "now what". 




That's our story, our background... stay tuned for more, I suppose.


xo- Amanda