IVF

When I first met with my therapist in 2013 (yeah, you read that right - 2013) I vividly remember saying that IVF was not in the cards for Phil and I. It wasn't something that I was morally against, but, just.. no.

Fast forward 5 years.
I had a revelation at our last appointment when she/my therapist said 'Why aren't you doing IVF?'. It was a bold question and I didn't have an answer. Why weren't we? When I quickly answered 'no' in 2013 I had the the luxury of time. I was naive. There was no way that the process of having a baby would take this long. News flash: it is.

When I left, I called Phil and through tears I told him that IVF was our next step. His response; "I'm on board". Sounds simple enough, right? The undying support makes my heart explode.

Over the next few months we talked, thought, weighed our options and got excited about the future. Well, here we are.

We finally had our informational meeting with our clinic of choice last night.

We sat in a room with 10 other couples and learned about the next steps, process, doctors, best practices and yes, the money. It's so overwhelming.

We have appointments to finalize the details in the coming weeks and then the race is on.


There isn't much else to report today but I wanted to give an update. I wanted to let whoever is reading that I'm an open book. This journey isn't just ours, it's everyone who's supported us throughout the years and lead us to this point. The future is so exciting and we're ready.

Now we go..

back on the horse...

What a whirlwind the last 4 months have been. After the aforementioned move and the holidays, we've finally been able to take a deep breath. While enjoying our new home, we decided that one thing was still missing... a baby. There are countless posts on my blog about us trying, experiencing loss and taking (massive) breaks. 

We've been on a 'break' since the end of 2014, but now feels like the right time. If you ask anyone when the 'right' time to have a baby is - they will say never. There's never a right time. 

But this feels like the most right time ever (for us).

Obviously giving it the good ol' college try didn't work so we started at a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. 

My new RE had to have the following attributions:

1 - don't tell me that IVF is the only way that I will be a mom.

2 - please, act like I'm a person.

3 - understand me and my past and how it shapes me and my decisions now.

Our new place succeeded and met all of my demands (without me making them, of course). 

We did the meet & great, talked about the past, talked about the future. It felt great. They wanted to re-test EVERYTHING - 8 vials of blood later we know the following:

- my prolactin is elevated (we knew that already)

- my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is elevated (we did NOT know that)

What now:

- medications to regulate my TSH, then back for bloodwork

- then ultrasounds, meds, syringes -- the whole kit & caboodle. 

Thanks for reading. Thanks for being a support to my dude & I. Just, Thanks. 

You know what's depressing?

Tonight I decided to combine all three of my blogs (baby mahal blog, first blog and new blog). I was going through posts - editing, cleaning up, etc. and came across the post when we first met with our RE (reproductive endo) and made a plan for baby Mahal. Want to know when that post was? APRIL 2013 - two years ago. Two years ago we made a plan and set forth to have a little one and here we are April 2015 and we don't. 

If April 2015 Amanda would have told April 2013 Amanda that I'd be where I am; crazy happy with my husband and (fur)baby - I would have laughed at her. Screamed at her. Told her she was wrong. Because how on earth could we have been so hopeful and two years later there would still be nothing. 

Here's the thing: It's a struggle every day. I think about it (pretty much) every day. I can be having the best day ever and hear that somebody is expecting and I get a deep pit in my stomach and my eyes well up with tears. It is gut wrenching and tough but I deal - we deal. 

I wonder what April 2017 Amanda would have to tell me? I can't (and can) wait to find out. 

Enough mushy stuff for one night. Peace, folks. 

Girls Just Wanna Have.. Fundamental Rights?

I consider myself to be an informed person; staying up on current events, reading the paper, making informed decisions when voting, etc. So that is why I am so surprised that I hadn't heard about Personhood being voted on again in CO & ND until I was scrolling through twitter yesterday. In case you are as clueless as me, Personhood is an amendment in ND and CO that would give unborn fetus' the same human rights as, well, humans.

The proposed law reads so that if, for example, a mother and her unborn baby are killed - there would be two murder charges. This is great. This isn't the only impact that this proposed amendment will have.

Women would not have access to birth control; morning after, daily pills, IUDs, etc. No access to abortions (under any circumstances). Women would have to potentially travel out-of-state to receive fertility treatments. Why? Because according to some 'children are begotten, not made' and 'in IVF, children are created in a glass dish and not through the act of love'. This is where I get a little heated. Some politician is going to tell thousands and thousands of women (and men)(and me) that when going through fertility treatments there isn't love? That might be the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. Why on earth would anyone subject themselves to the pokes, prods, pricks and agony - the only reason I can come up with is love.

It blows my mind that time and time again it feels like we're taking steps backwards. Taking rights away from people (women) instead of granting new rights and being a progressive nation.

If this amendment passes tomorrow - it would be a huge blow to women's rights.

Below are a few links that I read and were pretty informative. Also, there's a Fresh Air (NPR) from 2013 debating this same issue. Enjoy.

Click Here

Click Here

Fresh Air

five things friday

happy friday!

here are my five musings for this first friday in  november:

ONE: I have already started making my Birthday & Christmas lists for this year. Call me crazy. I recently added a beautiful brown saddle tote from Madewell. It's too expensive and I probably won't get it - but, a girl can dream right? If you would like the link, I would be happy to pass it along :)

TWO: Phil and I are not TTCing (Trying to conceive) until the New Year. We found out this week that the doctor wants us to wait a big longer until we give it the ol' college try again. This just means that I will be enjoying lots of wine during the Holiday season. And when I say lots - I mean lots.

THREE: Related to #2, I was a little upset that we having to wait to TTC again but not as much as I thought I would be. This just gives us a chance to get our ducks in a row... that, and drink lots of wine!

FOUR: Phil is hunting this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I will miss my husband but I love sleeping in the middle of the bed, watching trashy television and leaving my shoes wherever I take them off. It's the little things. I also despise hunting, especially for deer. I secretly (well not so much, I guess) hope he doesn't get one.

FIVE: Tonight the Prior Lake Lakers play their last game at Laker Field. The last time 'little' Parker will have a football home game in High School. I can't believe it. Time has gone by so fast.

The Lakers play Woodbury and when/if we win, we're on the Dome for the second straight year. What a career for little brother. Fingers crossed for a 'W'.

pictures from last fridays victory:

Two bonus things: The election is on Tuesday. VOTE!! And the ND Fighting Irish play on Saturday and neeed another W. Whoo!

Have a great weekend, everyone.

XO-

Amanda

the beginning

This is the first. My first blog post. My first venting session. The first....


Background: Philip and I met in May of 2005. He was the cute golf shop guy and I was the bev cart girl. We carried on a flirtation until he finally asked me out on our first date; June 29, 2006. We went to Champps in Burnsville. He opened doors for me, paid for my meal and gave me a hug at the door ;). I was probably in love already. Fast forward 14 months and we're engaged - Fast forward another 14 months to the best day of my life: Mr & Mrs Mahal.


We have the kind of relationship that can't be put into words; we drive each other bananas, love crazy, love the silliness and are each other's best friend - good times & bad. 


Trying to Get Knocked Up: We knew that it was going to be difficult because of my health background. I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) or as Phil calls it P-Cos, kind of gives it the rapper name feel. This basically means that we are going to have to try extra hard to have a little one. When we finally decided to start trying, January 1, 2012, I saw my doctor and she wanted to run a bunch of tests and blood work - everything came back great. I started Metformin and prenatal vitamins. We crossed our fingers and got to the fun part. 

After three months on Metformin and seeing no change in my body my doctor prescribed Provera. This is a drug that builds up the progesterone in the body and causes Aunt Flow. I was on Cycle Day 135 and not looking forward to the next couple weeks. After the round of pills, 7 days, we waited and waited.


The best, most random, day EVER!: Nothing happened with Provera but I was feeling the symptoms. So crampy, tender everything, hungry all. the. time., and exhausted. On September 11, I came home from work and decided to just take a test. "Why not", I thought to myself, it will probably be negative and I will call my doctor and say another thing didn't work. 

 

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. It's positive. That's a line. Holy Cow. Where's Phil?

 

I ran upstairs screaming "PHILIP JAMES". I showed him my pee stick, assured him that I cleaned the pee off and that we were going to be parents. Literally, the happiest I have been since the aforementioned May 30, 2009. I was uncontrollably crying and could not compose myself. 


Pregnancy: I started being my normal worried, freaked out self, and called every single OBGYN in the metro area until someone agreed to see me the next day. I finally settled on a great place and my first appointment was that afternoon. "you're super healthy". "everything looks great". "there's nothing to worry about".  I had my first blood draw that day. 

The test results were rolling in and my HCG levels weren't increasing as much as the doctors would have liked so I was scheduled for an ultrasound. The little Blube (short for blueberry - as Phil and I affectionately called it) was so tiny. They determined I was 5 weeks 5 days and my due date would be May 16, 2013 - three days before daddy's birthday. I saw a little blip of a heartbeat, but nothing measurable. 


One week later, with Phil, and Blube had a HB of 113; still a little low for 6w 5d but it was increasing.


One week later - another ultrasound. I was feeling nervous but confident that our little Blube was going to be stronger than ever! This is the part where I may get a little teary while writing my first ever blog post: the heartbeat was gone. Just like that.. gone.


We met with the doctor who laid out the options. Honestly, it's all a blur. All I know is that Phil held my hand, delivered me kleenex after kleenex and was the rock that I needed at that moment. 


Now What: On October 3rd I had a D&C (you can look it up if you want - but, don't). It wasn't pleasant, I had a panic attack in the hospital. I actually did smile though when Phil jumped out of his chair panicking along side me. 


We're thankful for the opportunity to have an angel looking over us and to have been so happy for the time we were. The story doesn't end here.. it will keep going and when we get our BFP (big f**kin positive) we will be the best gosh darn parents we can be.


Back to the doctor at the end of the month to ask her this same question; "now what". 




That's our story, our background... stay tuned for more, I suppose.


xo- Amanda