Holy S*#t!

To be completely blunt, these past 5 years have sucked. Every single pregnancy announcement, every crying baby, every rejection, every needle, and every setback. The universe has tested me. Despite these years being the hardest of my life -- they've been the best. These years have made my marriage incredibly strong. They've made me incredibly strong. They've made me appreciative. They made me a(dog)mom. 

These years have been everything. 

These years have lead me to where I am today...

15 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby.

I am so overwhelmed with emotion even typing those words. 15. weeks. pregnant. healthy. baby.

How did we get here?

Our frozen embryo transfer (FET) took place in early August. And like our first cycle, everything went "perfect". Only this time I didn't follow the rules and started taking home pregnancy tests (HPTs) 5 days after the transfer. 

Positive, positive, positive. They were all positive. 

I tested everyday, multiple times per day. We should have bought stock in those tests. We'd be rich!

Then came the blood draw. The real test since the HPTs can be unreliable (the reason phil and my clinic told me to stay away).

You know the old adage "a watched pot never boils"? Maybe we would update it for the 21st century to be "a watched cell phone never rings". I watched and waited and at long last.. I missed the call.

Beta 1 = 649

The first beta is a good indication of how everything is going, but it needs to double in 48 hours or there could be cause for concern. 

Fertility treatments are one big waiting game. Waiting for calls. Waiting for results. Waiting for news - both good & bad. And waiting 2 measly days between beta blood tests. 

While I was still taking HPTs and they were still positive, there's no better indication that it worked than these darn blood tests.

Beta 2 = 2724

Holy S*#t! We were pregnant. 

But then we waited again. And this time longer than the 2 measly days between beta blood tests. Two whole weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks + anxiety. Anxiety is that evil bitch who rears her ugly head in the times when you need to keep her buried away. 

The morning of our first ultrasound finally came. Finally. And it should come as no surprise that I was a ball of emotions. While we waited for the tech, I made Phil tell me about his walk with Charlie that morning to keep the tears at bay. He told me the story to keep my mind off the baby and all I thought about was the baby. 

"There's the baby. There's the heartbeat" 

These 6 words might have had more impact on my life than any others. 

After another 2 weeks and another emotion filled ultrasound, we finally graduated from the reproductive endocrinologist. Sorry PLHS grads, this graduation day was far, far sweeter.

And, maybe best of all. Our first child is getting a sibling. 

So, that's it. Life is now filled with new anxieties and emotions but they're so, so welcome and we couldn't be more excited. Thanks for reading. Thanks for tagging along with us. Just, Thanks.

Hey, Remember me?

Hey, Remember me?

It's been a minute.

This post was either going to be 'yay! we're pregnant' or 'shoot, it didn't work - what's next?'. Unfortunately, it's the latter.

what happened?

I signed off in the midst of our cycle. Everything went literally perfect (I hate when people use literally when something didn't literally happen - but I assure that it's an appropriate use of the word).

egg retrieval - 17(!!) eggs retrieved

fertilization - 9(!!) eggs fertilized normally

8 of the 9 fertilized made it to the blastocyst stage. 

blastocyst - an embryo that has developed for five to seven days after fertilization and has two distinct cell types and a central cavity filled with fluid. The cells in a blastocyst have started to differentiate and the surface cells around the cavity are called the trophectoderm and will later develop into the placenta. The inner cell mass becomes the fetus.

EIGHT. 

It's almost unheard of. Above average. Excellent!

We transferred one perfect embryo. Per everything else, the transfer was flawless. To make the procedure more comfortable, my RE prescribes Valium. I've never had Valium and didn't quite know what to expect. Phil was thoroughly entertained because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was slurring my words, stumbling and requested the drunk girl favorite; taco bell.  

Then we waited. 

The 9 days in between the embryo transfer and blood draw/beta seemed like an eternity and somehow I had enough willpower to not use any home pregnancy tests. 

I had grand plans to let the call with results go to voicemail and listen with Phil when we were together. That plan went completely out the window when my phone rang. I answered and frantically paced around our house while the nurse gave me the news... 

Beta #1 29.3. Low. Too low.
The preferred minimum number at our clinic is 30. So, we were so close.. pregnant!.. but low - so many emotions. I kept (incessantly) telling myself in the days between Beta 1 and 2 that what would be would be.

Beta #2 34.
The level didn't double as it should and it was confirmed that this was a Chemical Pregnancy (fancy phrase for miscarriage)

Naturally, we took the news hard and I had a good cry (or four), but hung our hats on the fact that we have 7 beautiful frozen embryos. We're incredibly lucky that even though this first cycle didn't result in a viable pregnancy, it set us up for success in the future.

what's next?

Frozen Embryo Transfer!
It's a very similar process to the full IVF but sans egg retrieval.


sign on / sign off.

I'm signing off.. again. We'll be keeping things low key and super positive. Cross anything you can for us; fingers, eyes, toes.. everything.


Cheers,
AM

pins & needles

One month and oh, so much has happened. 

Our clinic requires that we setup a 3-hour appointment to sign consent forms, perform a trial transfer (so the real embryo transfer goes off without a hitch) and discuss the plan one last time with our doc. 

Every minute of this massively long appointment went great. Everything has gone great. 

Until... 

The prescriptions. This was a debacle. 

DEBACLE.

My full list of medications was sent to the [crappy] pharmacy on Monday. I called a few times each day to make sure things were moving along as we're on a pretty tight timeline and we needed the goods by Friday. At the very latest.

Needless to say, I've cemented my position on their 'do not answer' list, but I finally recieved confirmation that our 15 pound box of drugs would be delivered on Friday between 8 am - 8 pm & needed to be signed for. Luckily, we have flexible jobs and were able to tag team all day so at least one of us was home.

4 - no package

5 - no package

6 - no package

At 6:45 I received a call from the [crappy] pharmacy with an unrelated question and while I had them on the phone... 

Um, It's 6:45, any idea when my package will be delivered?

Oh, someone was supposed to call you and let you know that it will be delivered tomorrow between 8 and 8. Looks like they didn't. You'll have it by tomorrow at this time. 

No.

And the flood gates opened. Through deep sobs, I begged her to do something.

At 9am the next morning the doorbell rang and I was greeted with a large package. Another Amazon box? No, just my mountain of medications. They're damn lucky too or they would have had an angry Phil and a crying Amanda after them. 

...

A typical day includes 2 injections, 2 AM pills and 4 PM pills. We are 5 days into this routine and I manage to go from the cool, confident girl to the over-googling, worried girl... in the same hour... and then back again. But, if I am being completely honest with you (and myself), all the needles, probes, worries and tears will all be worth it this time, or next time or the next time. 

Thank you to every single person who has sent us love & encouragement. 

On that note, I'm signing off.

IVF, pt. 2

Throughout all our infertility struggles, I've wondered how much to share and how much to keep private. Obviously, fertility issues are private in nature, but I am certain that the support of our family and friends has kept us going. So we're going to be transparent and we're going to keep sharing. 

Picking up where we left off...

After our informational meeting at our REs office, we setup a time to meet our new doctor. We wanted to meet and get to know the doctor who is going to be responsible for creating our family. She was great. She had studied our background and was very frank about our situation - my 'issue' is the signals my brain is sending. It's not Phil and it probably isn't even PCOS. 

What? Not PCOS?

 We have been told for years that because of my PCOS diagnosis, we'd have a hard time getting pregnant - turns out only one of those facts is true. 

Knowing that PCOS isn't the issue and that the IUI success rate is approximately 10% [what!?], we were on the IVF train. 

Since that meeting we've been in a whirlwind of planning, excitement, scheduling and decision making. One of the main decisions is if we should participate in our clinics warranty program. The warranty program that includes several cycles (both fresh and frozen) and if you are unsuccessful (aka no baby), your money is refunded. It's a pretty penny and a lot of commitment. And we're not sure if it's the plan for us. 

One day we've decided that we're moving forward with the warranty program. 

The next day we've decided that one cycle at a time is the right decision. 

And even when we think that we have everything figured out, we find ourselves revisiting stats and financials and talking each other in and out of everything. 

Final decision; TBD.

....

This weekend I started provera. This is the first step, the first pill - here we go. 

What's next? 

See below. 

We also both had infections disease panels completed. Physically, we're both doing great - no Hep B, C or HIV. 

Mentally? 

Phil is fine, patient and my eternal shoulder. 

Me, on the other hand, am worried and constantly questioning everything. 

What if it doesn't work?  What if we don't get any embryos? What if we do get embryos but they're abnormal? 

I don't have the answers. Phil doesn't have the answers. Our doctor doesn't have the answers. Because of that I'm left with hope. 

Hope that we're in the 66% (birth rate for women under 35 at my clinic). Hope that we'll navigate our way through this. Hope that all our struggles will be worth it in the end. 

...

We aren't defined by IVF so in addition to the excitement, we've got some other plans in the works for this spring & summer; landscaping, concerts concerts concerts (amanda), fishing & golf (phil), & spending time with our perfect puppy. 

As always, thanks for reading and for the incredibly kind comments and well wishes. We're so grateful. 

TERMINOLOGY

RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist

PCOS = Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome 
IUI = Intrauterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization 
Provera = A female hormone used to restore periods 

IVF

When I first met with my therapist in 2013 (yeah, you read that right - 2013) I vividly remember saying that IVF was not in the cards for Phil and I. It wasn't something that I was morally against, but, just.. no.

Fast forward 5 years.
I had a revelation at our last appointment when she/my therapist said 'Why aren't you doing IVF?'. It was a bold question and I didn't have an answer. Why weren't we? When I quickly answered 'no' in 2013 I had the the luxury of time. I was naive. There was no way that the process of having a baby would take this long. News flash: it is.

When I left, I called Phil and through tears I told him that IVF was our next step. His response; "I'm on board". Sounds simple enough, right? The undying support makes my heart explode.

Over the next few months we talked, thought, weighed our options and got excited about the future. Well, here we are.

We finally had our informational meeting with our clinic of choice last night.

We sat in a room with 10 other couples and learned about the next steps, process, doctors, best practices and yes, the money. It's so overwhelming.

We have appointments to finalize the details in the coming weeks and then the race is on.


There isn't much else to report today but I wanted to give an update. I wanted to let whoever is reading that I'm an open book. This journey isn't just ours, it's everyone who's supported us throughout the years and lead us to this point. The future is so exciting and we're ready.

Now we go..

Recovery & Reevaluation

It's National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) and it's the perfect time to reflect on our infertility journey and reevaluate our approach & strategy and think about what's next. We have plans to resume treatment in 2017 but, as we have discovered in the past, taking time to recover from treatment is necessary.

So, what's next? 

Taking a few months off from the tests and treatments is vital. The only difficult part is getting back into the infertility routine; labs, appointments, medications, etc. You know how life goes; routines are life and adding something back in takes time, but I'm getting there. 

What are we doing?

Right now we're not doing anything with the assistance of medicine. We're taking time for our mental health and making ourselves our best selves.

We're back into a gym routine (lost over 10% of my body weight [insert heart eye emoji here]) 

We've put energy into designing and decorating our basement. 

We've had a lot of fun making new things in the kitchen [hey, blue apron!].

What's working? & What isn't? 

Nothing has helped us conceive yet (obviously). Would losing weight help? A different diet? Other treatments? Because nothing has worked, why not change it up?

I am working with my endocrinologist to get my prolactin levels under control. Will that help? Maybe. But it can't hurt and that's the boat that we're in right now. 

What can I do better?

Once we're back into treatments I need to keep my worldview broad. My life isn't defined by this one thing.

There you have it, an update (of sorts)

In a few short days I'll be in the valley of the sun for some hiking, relaxation and Vitamin D. The perfect reset button.

better. not bitter.

4 months since my last post. Sorry. I spent way too much time thinking about a clever re-intro, but came up with nothing. 

In the land of fertility treatments, nothing is new. We attempted two additional cycles since I last blogged with no success. And then the deja vu sets in; at a routine appointment my doctor noticed that my prolactin levels were increased - she ordered an MRI - the MRI was normal - I was referred to an endocrinologist - endocrinologist prescribes medication - we take a break. 

Sound familiar? If no, check out this post. 

In other news; I got inked. For my birthday, my incredibly thoughtful husband dog surprised me.. big time. The consult, appointment, everything was setup and ready for me. I was in awe of his thoughtfulness. So, what does my tattoo mean? It's initials and in morse code: 

PM, BM, CM

PM - Y'all should get this one. 

BM - Blube Mahal. When we were pregnant and found out that the pregnancy was lost, the baby was the size of a blueberry and we affectionately called it Blube. I'm not still 'holding on' to the loss or dwelling on the past, but Blube has shaped my life, marriage, strength, personality.. everything. It is a constant reminder (when I remember that I have a tattoo ;)). 

CM - Charlie Mahal. This is for the girl that made me a dog mom. I'll go ahead and spare the corniness, but her initials deserve a place on me forever. 

And, finally to the title of this blog post; better. not bitter. It is the New Year after all and time for resolutions. I want to be a better person, drink good wine, be thoughtful, have fun, try new things and be the best me. I can spend my time wallowing and being sad or I can be better.

Until next time... 

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