clomid

Let me tell you a little story about Clomid.

There once was a little girl, and all she wanted was a baby (ace of base?). So, she saw the doctor and they said take this pill and you might have a chance (after all the proper monitoring, tests, etc). What they didn't tell me was that I would be a fire breathing, hot flashing, emotional rollercoaster of a human being.

One day left. That's what I tell my husband.

One more day.. then 5 more.. then an ultrasound to see how those ovaries are doin'.

CD1ish

We're back in the saddle - Thursday is my second baseline ultrasound. I am hoping for better results than last time. Fingers, eyes, toes, ears, arms and nose crossed.. everything crossed that we will actually be able to move ahead with our plan.

Lately

Well, it has officially been forever since I wrote any semblance of a blog post. In the last 4 months we have made a plan for baby, traveled to Indy to watch some good friends tie the knot, watched baby brother graduate from high school, sent off miss Brittany Jo to marriage with one last craaazy night.

JUNE:

AJ and Christina became the Duplessis' in early June in Indy. Philip and I left waay early on Thursday morning and made the 9 hour drive south. I took alot of naps and Phil cursed at the traffic and crappy cell service in Wisconsin. It was a beautiful wedding and we had a ton of fun - maybe even too much if there is such a thing.

A lot of stupid fun girls had the time of our lives and sent Britt off into married life with a bang! We took a boat out and toughed out the MN 'summer' and had our own little dance party on Minnetonka. I have the bruises alll over my legs to show for the boat jumping that went on. Then we cleaned up and hit up Minneapolis with a bang. Now Britty can head to married life with no regrets :) Can't wait for the WEDDING!!

Parker graduated. What. the. HECK? I can't believe that Parker, little baby brother, Parker, is a High School Graduate. The class of 2013 had beautiful weather for the ceremony. Can't really say the same for the Grad Party the following Sunday but the boys had a blast and everybody else had alot of Chili's sliders.

And of course all the other randoms that are going on now-a-days. We're being silly, doing yard work, drinking cocktails and fishing. 'Tis the life of a Mahal.

What's a frequent update when you get my whole life in photos? Meh.

Happy Weekend, ya'll.

A

Resolve

Resolve.org is a fantastic resourse that I discovered this April during National Infertility Awareness Week. It has crazy cool tools, directories of doctors, support groups, etc. One of my favorite articles was about Coping Techniques. Some of the things they pointed out were Ah-Ha moments for me when it comes to my darling Husband:

Give yourself permission to cry and be angry:

Don't try to shut off your feelings. If you need to cry about the unfairness of one more pregnancy announcement, go ahead. If you need to pound a pillow or pummel a punching bag, do it. When you try to "snap out of it," you waste all your energy.

Give your spouse/partner permission to feel and cope differently than you:

If you're a wife, don't waste energy trying to get your husband to feel as devastated as you do. If you're a husband, don't try to get your wife to be "more like a man"
forgetting about infertility except when she's at the doctor's office or in the bedroom.

DING DING DING. It took me a really long time to realize that Phil and I handle EVERYTHING differently. He's much more stoic and rational and I stomp my feet and pout like a child. Allowing ourselves to cope differently and to allow each other to cope differently has made a huuuge difference.

Improve your communication about Infertility:

You might try what I call "The Twenty Minute Rule", which forces you to limit the amount of time you talk about infertility in a given evening.

After I read this article on coping techniques I decided to immediately implement this into our day-to-day. Talking about it too much brings me down and it makes much much more sense to give it 20 minutes to recognize and then move on.

Tell your spouse/parter how you want to be helped:

But partners are mere humans, incapable of mind reading. If you need to pass up the family gathering that features five nieces and nephews under two, then say so. If you want to be hugged, or massaged, or left alone for a few minutes, or just listened to without any response, you'll be more likely to get what you want if you ask.

I love my Husband, but he's not a mind reader. So far in our journey he has really done what I needed at any given moment but when I want to be left alone or hugged - I will tell him becuase if he does the opposite, I will get upset and then we're in an even more rough spot. This rule is also applicable to many, many more areas of life.

Get more information:

One of the worst facets of stress is uncertainty about the future. You can't get a crystal ball, but you can reduce some of your uncertainty by collecting information.

Why can't I have a crystal ball??

If anyone is looking for more information - I highly recommend resolve.org.

May 16th

May 16.

The due date of our little Blube. The day that I knew would eventually come but had initally hoped that it would be filled with labor, a little one and lots of happy tears - this is obviously not going to be the case. Now it's a normal Thursday - work, hair appointment and maybe happy hour to toast our little Blube.

mothers day

Mothers Day was tough. I didn't think it was going to be.. at all! I woke up and checked my twitter and facebook - like I do every morning - and it was like Mothers Day threw up all over my social media. And I cried.

We went to Home Depot to pick up some flowers. And I cried.

We came home and got ready for brunch. And I cried... Are you getting the theme here?

After brunch I took a long, amazing nap and woke up to a text from my bffffff, Em. There was a post on FB that she wanted to check out. I think it's so thoughtful and powerful that I just want to read it every day:

To those who gave birth this year to their first child - we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year - we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains - we appreciate  you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions or running away - we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears and disappointment - we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don't mean to make this harder than it is

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms or spiritual moms - we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children - we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache and distance with your children - we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year - we grieve with you

To those who experience abuse at the hands of your own mother - we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood - we are better for having your in our midst

To those who have aborted children - we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children - we mourn that live has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent - we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love of grandchildren yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year - we grieve and rejoice with you

To those who placed children up for adoption - we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to this who are pregnant with new live, both expected and surprising - we anticipate with you

This Mothers Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

No matter how hard Mother's Day was for me, there are real amazing women - Mothers and non - who are truly amazing. I am so lucky to have each and every one of them in my life.

Enough of the mushy stuff. Happy Monday, y'all.

xo - Amanda

One Step Forward - Two Steps Back

I had my first baseline ultrasound this morning and the nurse and u/s tech said a lot of things that went over my head. I came away with the following: I had some cysts that were quite large and the doctor may want to sit this cycle out and hopefully let those clear up. Nurse Dory said we needed to do more blood work and then Dr. Erickson would make the final call.

I got to work and waited.. and waited.. and waited.

I finally got the call and we're out this cycle. No drugs, no IUI, no trigger shots. They want the stupid cyst to clear up and hopefully we'll give it a shot again later.

Doctor. Wait. Drugs to start AF. AF. Doctor. Wait. The cycle starts again.

I can't say I'm not disappointed but as my best friend Em pointed out.. It's okay to have 'days' and trust me.. I'm having one. Crying in my cube has become an art.

I'm going fishing with the Husband tonight.. with beers. It will be the pick me up that I need as long as the sun stays out and we don't get snow or some craziness.

Cycle 6 on this extended TTC journey is a wait cycle because of the stupid, dumb cyst. Hopefully cycle 7 will be a go.