my first ever blog post

This is the first blog post from my personal, non-ttc blog. It really really helped going through a loss to write it all down and just... vent.

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This is the first. My first blog post. My first venting session. The first….

Background: Philip and I met in May of 2005. He was the cute golf shop guy and I was the bev cart girl. We carried on a flirtation until he finally asked me out on our first date; June 29, 2006. We went to Champps in Burnsville. He opened doors for me, paid for my meal and gave me a hug at the door  . I was probably in love already. Fast forward 14 months and we’re engaged – Fast forward another 14 months to the best day of my life: Mr & Mrs.

We have the kind of relationship that can’t be put into words; we drive each other bananas, love crazy, love the silliness and are each other’s best friend – good times & bad.

Trying to Get Knocked Up: We knew that it was going to be difficult because of my health background. I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) or as Phil calls it P-Cos, kind of gives it the rapper name feel. This basically means that we are going to have to try extra hard to have a little one. When we finally decided to start trying, January 1, 2012, I saw my doctor and she wanted to run a bunch of tests and blood work – everything came back great. I started Metformin and prenatal vitamins. We crossed our fingers and got to the fun part.

After three months on Metformin and seeing no change in my body my doctor prescribed Provera. This is a drug that builds up the progesterone in the body and causes Aunt Flow. I was on Cycle Day 135 and not looking forward to the next couple weeks. After the round of pills, 7 days, we waited and waited.

The best, most random, day EVER!: Nothing happened with Provera but I was feeling the symptoms. So crampy, tender everything, hungry all. the. time., and exhausted. On September 11, I came home from work and decided to just take a test. “Why not”, I thought to myself, it will probably be negative and I will call my doctor and say another thing didn’t work.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. It’s positive. That’s a line. Holy Cow. Where’s Phil?

I ran upstairs screaming “PHILIP”. I showed him my pee stick, assured him that I cleaned the pee off and that we were going to be parents. Literally, the happiest I have been since the aforementioned May 30, 2009. I was uncontrollably crying and could not compose myself.

Pregnancy: I started being my normal worried, freaked out self, and called every single OBGYN in the metro area until someone agreed to see me the next day. I finally settled on a great place and my first appointment was that afternoon. “you’re super healthy”. “everything looks great”. “there’s nothing to worry about”.  I had my first blood draw that day.

The test results were rolling in and my HCG levels weren’t increasing as much as the doctors would have liked so I was scheduled for an ultrasound. The little Blube (short for blueberry – as Phil and I affectionately called it) was so tiny. They determined I was 5 weeks 5 days and my due date would be May 16, 2013 – three days before daddy’s birthday. I saw a little blip of a heartbeat, but nothing measurable.

One week later, with Phil, and Blube had a HB of 113; still a little low for 6w 5d but it was increasing.

One week later – another ultrasound. I was feeling nervous but confident that our little Blube was going to be stronger than ever! This is the part where I may get a little teary while writing my first ever blog post: the heartbeat was gone. Just like that.. gone.

We met with the doctor who laid out the options. Honestly, it’s all a blur. All I know is that Phil held my hand, delivered me kleenex after kleenex and was the rock that I needed at that moment.

Now What: On October 3rd I had a D&C (you can look it up if you want – but, don’t). It wasn’t pleasant, I had a panic attack in the hospital. I actually did smile though when Phil jumped out of his chair panicking along side me.

We’re thankful for the opportunity to have an angel looking over us and to have been so happy for the time we were. The story doesn’t end here.. it will keep going and when we get our BFP (big f**kin positive) we will be the best gosh darn parents we can be.

Back to the doctor at the end of the month to ask her this same question; “now what”.

That’s our story, our background… stay tuned for more, I suppose.